Toddlers and Tablets

Get 'em OFF the screen, people!

We are way too reliant on technology and tablets and pads. We work with it, entertain with it, read from it, and expect it to spell check and think for us. It's getting scary. We recently had a fence put up in our backyard and when I answered the door to let the guy in, he very hesitantly asked if he had the right house. Yes, I said, you have the right house! He blew a deep sigh of relief and explained that his GPS couldn't pinpoint the exact location of my address, and boy, he just wasn't sure if it was this house or the one next door. I gave him a pause and stare. Eyebrows lifted. Really, dude? Do you not have my street number on a work order and do you not have eyes to actually look at the numbers on my mailbox and match the two up? Do you have beans rattling around up there? Are we so devoted to our technology and GPS that we can't think through an itty-bitty-baby-wee problem? Technology is squeezing out and killing the part of our brain reserved for this critical thinking. And that is freaking frightening!!

Babies and toddlers are the last little cuties that should be on this stuff. I know phones are a life-saver when it comes to entertainment in the car or to keep the kid quiet so you can have a conversation with your gynecologist, but oh my gosh. If it works this time, it will work again. And again, and again. Pretty soon they are learning to talk by watching Youtube and we have a kid who cannot do without his phone or tablet. Tantrums. Screams. GIVE ME BACK THE SCREEN!!

Not only is this unhealthy for social and cognitive development, there is talk of long-term damage to their poor hand muscles because they are spending way too much time touching and tapping and not actually manipulating actual objects like blocks, toys, and crayons.

https://baltimore.cbslocal.com/2013/11/14/red-flag-doctors-warn-tablets-can-actually-hurt-a-toddlers-developing-body/

Excerpt from the story
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"A warning for parents of tech-savvy children. The American Academy of Pediatrics says children under two should avoid all screen time.

Jessica Kartalija reports doctors and therapists fear too much time on touchscreens could cause long-term damage.

Playtime for babies is far different in the 21st century. But parents could be making a big mistake putting touchscreens in the hands of toddlers and young children. Parents think they’re educating and stimulating their kids, but doctors and therapists are raising a red flag — too much screen time can hurt their developing bodies. “If they are always on the iPad and not actually doing those paper pencil activities that they should still be doing, those muscles are going to remain weaker,” said occupational therapist Lindsay Marzoli, Learning and Therapy Corner."
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When a child's eyes are glued to a screen, they are not on you. This may sound terrific in terms of getting a break, but those "little breaks" add up to a crap-load of time spent away from learning from the most important person - you. Our daily interactions with kids teach them how to behave, solve problems, and learn how the world works. A screen is not a person, and while it can certainly entertain, and possibly give you false hopes with cute age-appropriate apps, it cannot E-VER replace a child's need for attention and guidance. They need those two things constantly, and if you are relying on some electronic "thing" to do the job for you...well...it might be time for a little long-term vision and soul searching.

Here's to blocks, bears, puzzles, books, play-doh, and all non-electronic childhood playthings. (If it lights up, squeaks, talks, or does anything but stay silent and invoke the imagination, I prefer to make its' new home the trash can).

Cheers, my friends.

Toddler Behavior and Sugar

Alright my friends. How many times do I have to say it? Sugar = bad behavior.

First a quick excerpt from a recent study [Click here for the full study article]:
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'...The study, which will be presented at the Society for Neuroscience’s annual conference next month, also made another discovery: Rats, like humans, like to eat Oreo’s creamy center first. To test how the animals responded to Oreos vs. drugs, the team trained rats to navigate a maze. On one side, Oreo cookies were provided, and on the other side plain rice cakes were offered.

As you’d guess, the rats were significantly more likely to spend time on the Oreo side of the maze. The team also compared these results to rats who were trained with morphine or cocaine rather than Oreos. They found that regardless of what "substance" the rats were offered (Oreos, cocaine, or morphine) they spent about the same amount of time on the "drug" side of the maze. These behavioral data aren’t so surprising, but the researchers also reported some interesting neurological results. When rats were given Oreos, a protein called c-Fos was expressed strongly in an area of the brain called the nucleus accumbens, which is well known to be active in pleasure and addiction. "It basically tells us how many cells were turned on in a specific region of the brain in response to the drugs or Oreos," said Connecticut College professor Joseph Schroeder, who led the research. Oreos actually activated cells in this brain area more than did either cocaine or morphine, which suggests that that magical combination of sugar and fat may be even more delectable to our brains than drugs. "Our research supports the theory that high-fat/high-sugar foods stimulate the brain in the same way that drugs do," Schroeder said. "It may explain why some people can’t resist these foods despite the fact that they know they are bad for them."'
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This study shows evidence that our brain treats sugar the same way as drugs, and sugar may be even more addicting than drugs. OH MY GOSH. And look, I love Oreos. As soon as I'm stressed, I want some double stuffed, pronto. So I'm not knockin' those delish little babies. I'm just saying, we cannot fuel our kids with sugar and expect them to behave like angels.

If your child is having behavior problems, first and foremost, look at diet!! I say it all the time. Yes, there are things we can do differently as parents so we do not reinforce negative behavior, but that little step alone will do nothing for the child who gets Sugar Crunchies and chocolate milk for breakfast, white bread peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and cookies for lunch, and fast food and ice cream for dinner. Cut that crap out! I know it's cheap and fast, but so is celery, carrots, and apples.

If you read this study, it's like we're giving our kids drugs. You wouldn't load up some cocaine and hand it over to your baby, now, would you? So if it doesn't work for me to bonk you over the head with "sugar = bad behavior", then maybe this will scare the bejeebers out of you more effectively. We MUST STOP giving our kids so much sugar. Not only is it bad for behavior, sugar can be linked to countless physical ailments; diabetes, high blood pressure, and cancer just to name a few biggies.

If you research people who stop taking in sugar and processed foods, you will be amazed at the change in their physical makeup and how so many of their ailments just magically disappear; skin problems, headaches, fatigue, weight gain, wrinkles, poor immunity, insomnia, depression, anxiety . . . sugar is the consistent bad boy in the gang of ugly we put into our bodies. I know personally that sugar affects my mood, energy, and guts. I drank a flavored coffee last week without having breakfast, and my blood sugar plummeted, leaving me shaky, irritable, and feeling rotten for the rest of the day. And if I have too much sugar, I can actually feel my body respond to the overgrowth of yeast.

If you don't believe this article that sugar is addicting, just try cutting it out of your own diet. It's freaking hard! And when you get stressed, sugar is the go-to fix. Donuts are my nemesis. (I swear I can't stay away from those things; I'm a donut addict.) So after you try to cut sugar out of your own diet (good luck), and you realize the insane pull that sugar has on our chemically altered brains, be aware of the addicting factor on your kids. If you give sugar the heave-ho in their diet, expect some horror flick behavior. Until they get through the withdrawal (research online for best ways to overcome the cravings), you might see lots of screaming and possibly throwing sharp, GI Joe-like objects. So you'll need to duck.

And if THAT doesn't convince you that sugar turns our bodies into a blob of disease infested, addict-prone yuck, then you're on your own. I've got to step back and throw my hands in the air. But if you resolve to do better, just try this first step in changing your child's behavior. I'm pretty darn sure you will see positive results.

Toddler Patience...What?

Have you guys seen this? Overcoming Temptation (In Marshmallows and in Life)



It's a take on that cute Marshmallow test. This one is actually a commercial. (And by the way, I'm not affiliated, so if the company does something horrible and immoral in the next two weeks or two years, I don't know nuthin and I'm not pushing you to buy anything!) Anyway, it's terribly cute, and it begs the question, can you really teach a toddler patience?

Many of us roll over and concede defeat when it comes to tantrums, whining, or fussing, because they're just itty bitty people. How can you expect them to refrain from trying to destroy the high chair while you prepare a sandwich and fruit? I mean, they're starving. Poor babies! Okay, so maybe the screaming gives us a wee headache, but what are we supposed to do?

Here's the thing about patience and toddlers: it's possible, but always a work in progress. When it comes to hunger, or being tired or over-stimulated, forget it. You can't win those, so just take care of the need. Next time, however, don't set yourself up for that kind of meltdown. Do your best to anticipate that hunger and start meals earlier. Don't drag them all over creation wearing them out and forcing missed naps, and avoid situations in which there is a lot of stimulus. You may not recognize it as such, but ANY place with a lot of people, noise, or eye-catching stuff everywhere intended to grab your visual attention...that's stimulus. As adults, we live in it all the time and we're used to it, but being sensitive to it myself, I can completely understand why toddlers go bonkers and get upset when you haul their sorry butts to fairs, weddings, concerts, the zoo, and cousin Teddy's fifth birthday party. Yikes! Even schools have way too much stuff on the walls and hanging from the ceiling, over-stimulating my poor eyeballs. The intent is to stimulate learning, but for me, it just stimulates a headache, and I want out. Toddlers don't have a way to filter all that nonsense yet, so don't expect them to!

As for the rest, practice making them wait when they are fed, rested, and in a good mood. Maybe it's just waiting for you to get a toy off the shelf for them, and you can use that opportunity to help them learn. If they start to fuss, stop it early and use your "no"'-without-saying-no-voice. I always advise toddlers moms not to use "No!" so much because it becomes irrelevant to the child. Not only do they put no meaning to it coming out of your mouth, but it models what word for them to use every five minutes. Thus, the incessant "NO!" we get from toddlers. Instead use something like, "Aah" or "Enh." "Un Unh." Then pair it with what you want them to do, not with what you don't. For instance, you can say, "Enh! We do not whine. I am getting your toy and you need to wait." What will not work is, "Enh! Stop whining." The reason being is that it doesn't tell them what you want instead. When you say something like that, it tells them what you don't want. So they focus on "whining" and they don't know how to stop. You have to teach them! So tell them what to do instead. "If you want me to hurry, say, 'Mommy, please hurry.'"

So:

1. Anticipate situations that can cause a meltdown and prepare well enough to keep the tantrums and overstimulation at bay.

2. Practice patience phrases ("I need you to wait quietly,") when they are fed and rested.

3. Teach them how to stop whining by giving them things to say or do. "Tell mommy, 'I want that please,'" or "Hold your blankie while you wait for me. It will make you feel better."

It will take constant practice, but one day you will wake up to a child who can wait patiently. (And you'll freak out just a little.)

Cheers!

Sibling Bickering and End of Summer CRAZY!

My kid was not up for 30 seconds the other day before starting a crying jag worthy of Scarlett O'Hara - all about bickering with her sister over (heaven help me, please) a newly ebay-purchased Barbie house and something about stealing existing Barbie furniture . . . because, hey, in this house, everyone has to have their OWN Barbie house and OWN Barbie furniture, lest we be forced to contact the authorities due to a civil war about to erupt.

Sigh.

You know, we parents have done the vacations, movies, crafts, play dates, library, and the hauling everyone around all summer long in our valiant effort to entertain and make the most of this fabulous time off from school. And while I completely dread getting back into the swing of school (after all, it means diving right back in to forms, field trips, homework, lunches, before school practices, after school practices, and all the eight million little things to keep up with), there is this tiny (okay, moderate to large) part of me that can't wait to let the "entertaining" be choreographed by someone else. Don't get me wrong - I love my kids, and I'm honestly not completely happy unless all my little duckies are safe and sound and huddled together in our family unit. But I'm not much on long term fun, being that I'm not exactly Captain Fun to begin with.

My friend Amy, however, IS Captain Fun, and texted me a few days before school started to haul our butts 45 minutes out to Fort Worth Texas for a trip to the Zoo. "One last summer hoorah!" as she put it. And who could fault the woman for wanting to take her only non-committed day off to buzz around the state for the sake of her children having a good time? I mean, she just got off a 17 day vacation of hiking through Colorado and New Mexico. I don't think that's enough to wear anyone out at all.

So I wallow in Catholic guilt as I cancel my volunteer job for the day, and load everyone up for a day of fun with Amy and her kids . . . which ends up being zoo, water gardens, two museums, a quick tour through the Stock Yards, and a foray to Joe T. Garcia's for dinner. It was Fort Worth a-la-Amy, who was horrified at my lack of clocked adventure hours into the unknown territory of that endlessly fabulous city. She felt like she had to get in as much "you have to see this" as possible so my brain wouldn't rot away from lack of stimulus in the next nine months. My feet were about to fall right off my ankles by dinner time, but oh my gosh, that restaurant was the most fun place E-VER. Since we were so hot, gross, and dehydrated from being in suffocating heat all day, Amy and I kicked back with ice cold drinks while our five apparently not-tired, not dehydrated, don't-care-if-we're-filthy kids literally ran through what must have been three acres of totally enclosed outside patio filled with tables, gardens, out-buildings, fountains, bars (they didn't tromp through the patio bars, thank heaven. I can just see a shower of lime wedges pelting staff and patrons . . . ) several visits to the way-cool bathroom, and even a get-to-know-you session with the pet doves (don't ask; I have no idea why they keep birds on site).

But as much fun as we had, as a mommy, there is always, always a price to pay. Mine included having to dive right in to aggressive negotiations (sans the light sabers) the morning after and distracting the exhausted kiddies with a heavy-handed list of chores.

Which brings me to my point. This summer has been stressful for us; we've had a big move, we were displaced in our living situation for several months, and had quite a bit of uncertainty regarding course of life and where-in-the-hell-are-we-going-to-live talks. We did our best to keep things stable for the kids, but the stress of the instability still came out, mainly in the bickering of two of my kids, and a slight depression in the third.

My dear people, we MUST keep a stable environment for our kids, and we must learn not to over tax them with "fun." Yes, it's great to see the sights and experience life, but can I just say how many strollers, high heels (Are. You. Kidding.), and VERY pregnant women I saw tromping through the zoo towing kids that were much to young to remember anything at all, much less have any fun in this insane Texas heat? (For the uninitiated, think "so hot the oxygen is sucked right out of the air to the point where you can't breathe," and you're in the ballpark.) Why?? Why on earth do we drag young kiddies to do these things, exhausting their poor bodies and wearing them out so they're forced to act like monkeys because we're too hell-bent on the entertainment??? They don't need that stimulus! They won't remember the baby elephant, the frozen lemonade, or the coolest snake on the planet.

I know it's boring for you, but the younger tikes can do without the heavy field trips. Mine are plenty old enough to tolerate the busy day, yet they still had morning after issues due to exhaustion. If you must get out, pace yourself, respect any naptimes, and make it a quick outing. I understand that being cooped up with out-of-school kids all day long for months on end is a stinker for those who are any less than Über moms. And I don't know about you, but I am not about to lie my tush off and claim to be a super hero in the mommy department. Some of you are, and more power to you. But most of us aren't, so please allow the whining and grappling for entertainment ideas. We'll be back to faking it well once the little angels return to school and we've had time to restock our fridge and pantry, clean up the sea of toys on the living room floor, get a decent haircut, and take a nap. Until then, it's all about frazzle.

Cheers!

Cut it Out!

We tell our kids, "Cut it out!" so much that we might as well be trying to fill up a sieve with sand. It will never stop. But as much as I preach to the contrary, I did it myself this morning. Great balls of fire! And what did my child say in reply? "Mommy, I don't know what you mean when you say that, so it makes me think I can't talk at all!"

Really, now. I'm a speech therapist. I deal with behavior all the time, and it's second nature to "explain" exactly what I mean, in very blunt, specific terms so that kids don't get confused. I do it all the time, everyday, and no doubt my own kids are sick of it. So you would think that might buy me one or two times snapping, "Cut it out!" at the breakfast table and my kids might actually problem solve and figure out what I mean. Sheesh. We try so hard to be good mommies; calm, kind, and lovingly instructive. Aren't we allowed a stressed moment and shouldn't our kids just "figure it out" once in a while?

Apparently not. Sure, we can stress all we want, but it doesn't help our kids act better. I wanted my nine-year-old to understand that by, "Cut it out," I meant, "Use kind words, soften your tone, and don't boss you sister by telling her she's putting too many croissants on her plate." Then I want my twelve-year-old to understand that the same "Cut it out," is directed at her as well, and it means, "Don't snap back at your sister that she's got crumbs on her shirt just because your feelings have been stomped on and you don't like being told what to do by a younger sibling."

I'm giving myself a headache just putting this down into words. How on earth were my children supposed to interpret that convoluted, wordy message out of a completely empty and curt, "Cut it out"?

I'm just lucky enough that when I slip up, they use more communicative words than their mother and kindly remind ME to cut it out.

Cheers friends!

Does Discipline Break a Child's Spirit?

Discipline often breaks down into a battle of wills, but it has nothing to do with breaking their spirit, even as much as it seems the contrary. They're crying, you're crying, the house is in turmoil; "This can't possibly be good for them or anyone!" you think.

But of course you think that. It's because you're an awesome mom! However we are all - ALL of us - at the mercy of our love for our babies. And that can cloud our judgment.

Discipline is not "breaking them." It's not mean or hateful or unloving. True discipline is about teaching. Plain and simple. And when you teach toddlers, you have to relate to them on their level, which is primitive. When they are pushing and pushing and pushing, you have to hold out longer than they feel the need to disrespect you. It's a learning process...you teach them what is okay and not...how you are allowed to treat people, and what is and is not acceptable.

Example: screaming for a bottle when you are trying to wean. It may seem like you are flat our torturing your child for no good reason (and what good mommy would ever do that?) but here's the truth about what's going on: the longer you let them scream for a bottle, the more you teach them that they can't do that (and that the world will definitely not end). BUT when they scream and hit you each night for 5 minutes until you give in, that is exponentially worse. True, you're giving it a try until it seems ridiculous to carry on, but in actuality, you are teaching them how to behave badly (versus letting them cry and teaching them that you can't be manipulated). When you give in, you teach them that it is okay to hit and scream - it works, and they get what they want.

Look, I know you are freaking exhausted and can't take another minute. But long term, you are creating a huge, never-ending headache. Parenting is about headaches, believe me. But those long term jobbers can be nipped by standing your ground now. It's not easy, and it really is every single day, because they are learning so much at this age. But over time it gets better and better. When you are consistent and firm but loving, your child will be happier, more secure, and definitely a joy to be around. This versus a child who grows up getting more and more demanding, tantrum prone, and guilt provoking...hmmm. Wonder which is better? Which child do you think is truly happier?

Bad Behavior "Makes Me So Sad"...

My friends. Serious topic, here. I really, really hate to burst your well-meaning bubble, but can we collectively please stop telling our kids how much it hurts our heart or makes us sad to see them act unbecomingly? "Oh, that hurts my heart to see you make that choice," or "That makes me so sad to see that," or "Oh, that's a sad choice."

UGH!! Your child could care less how you feel, think, or what you had for dinner beyond getting them what they want. I see Mommies do this all the time but I have never, ever seen it actually work. Is it working for you? Does your child immediately act sorry, apologize to the offended party, and straighten up to the point where you don't have to repeat that phrase ten times a day? Because I'm apparently blind, here.

The thing is, the Mommies I see using this have kids that are pretty much out of control. So I know it seems to you a way to calmly and sincerely let your child know that you disapprove of a certain behavior, but it teaches them nothing. Nothing! They do not care how you feel; they are too young. So expecting that to make a smidgen of impact is unrealistic. What they NEED is for you to say, "No. We don't do that," and intervene. Intervene, my lovely ladies! Take their arm, or block the physical behavior, or move them into another room, and tell them what you want to see instead. "We keep our hands to ourselves," "Bottom on the chair, feet on the floor," "Use a big kid voice because I can't understand whining and crying," "We do not throw our toys when we're upset. You may stomp your foot instead." Tell and show them what you want to see instead of the offending behavior. This whole telling them what you think and feel business is going to put me over the edge. Make them behave. Insist on it. Otherwise, you are running a hamster wheel.

I so absolutely get that you are tired. But please do something for me. If your child has a ton of energy that is bursting out in bad behavior, set him/her to a physical task. Outside is great - make them run and run and run. But make an actual task out of it so that there is a focus beyond the need to explode upon a piece of equipment, an animal, or another child. Make it running from one end of the yard to the other, collecting acorns or sticks, or collecting the sticks and then making a giant pattern out of it, whatever. And do NOT make this a "Oh, look, let's play a game, honey! It'll be fun! You try it, okay?" Because believe me, if you act like there is a choice or you desperately want to engage him in something, he will sniff it out in no time and use that stick to whack your fanny in a clear communication that he's not interested. When you go about it in a "Here's what we're going to do," sort of way, and use a firm, authoritative demeanor and voice, it changes things. You might get some balking because that is not your usual pattern, but make your child do it before he does anything of his chosing. He may throw a fit, but I'm telling you, the structure is needed and you must, absolutely must, win this battle of wills. (Another blog on battle of wills vs. breaking their spirit later...) Do not give in to a normal pattern of letting your child's behavior slide; it teaches him to do that exact behavior over and over because you ultimately do nothing about it beyond yammering something that they translate into, "Blah, blah, blah...."

So change your language and demeanor, give them a physical task to release some energy and create a sense of boundaries, and tell and show them how to act.

Good luck, friends!